Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
