Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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