my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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