how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
