how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
