is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
