the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
