I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
