My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
NoShamevember. You game?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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