I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
