nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It was confusing and full of hummus
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
