i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
