Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
