So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
