I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
