Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
