he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
