Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My first STD was from a foam party
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
