Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize