I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
