Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
