remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
