Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
