her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
