I haven't been this sober since birth.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
