Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
