if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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