i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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