Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
