I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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