I smell stomach acid.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I believe in your delicious
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
