Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
