How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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