i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
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That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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