Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
