i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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