just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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