My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
