I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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