I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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