I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
