it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
