you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
being pregnant is like rehab
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
