Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
