Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
