with your own penis?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
