and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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