How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My vagina just recognized that song.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
