youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
