OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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