I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
