note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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