If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
