I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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