You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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