Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
