bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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