I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
