I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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