I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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