Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
