if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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