We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
