We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
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Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
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Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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